Vernal Irreverence

As yet another stint of long and difficult work hours in R'lyeh is coming to an end, I contemplate the activities to come this weekend when I travel back to the still damp and chilly northeast and final resting place of the greatest weird fiction author the cosmos has ever known. Since I am for a while at least still a servant of the empire and cannot pursue my true calling as a drug-addled fame hog and kick off my Bloviating Shoggoth of Truth Elder Signs Are Not An Option Tour I am forced to think of more temporary and important things.

"How about a little Heisman, motherfucker?!"

At first I decided to get all up in arms and write my kids' school a nasty letter telling them they had better not even think of pulling a "Seattle's Best Spring Spheres" or I would personally and violently find whatever misguided fellow non-believer suggested the name and shove that person's overly-sensitive head even farther up his/her ass. Oh wait, you didn't? Then forget everything I just said. We know the Easter Bunny poses no religious threat. Show me drawings of da' Ether Bunny weeping at the base of the cross, trying to shove jelly beans through the cracks into the tomb (saying "You'll need the blood sugar when you wake up!") or standing among the apostles pushing chocolate eggs through stigmata in awe-stricken awe and I'll re-evaluate.

That being said, I still have the mythological aspects of the weekend to deal with, which started last weekend (Palm Sunday or, "The day we all wave sticks at Jesus" as my youngest daughter explained) when I had to go to church (well, it's sort of a church - they're Anglican, you know ... "whatever your trip is" seems to be cool with them, very much unlike my Cat-Lick upbringing) to listen to my children sing. It's part of the "unspoken bargain" I feel I have with them that as long as my children are receiving excellent vocal training from them I should at least show up when they are singing so I can

a.) hear their voices
b.) know what to tell them to help them pick their way through dogmatic guidance and find their own way in the world
c.) feel like less of a hypocrite
d.) make sure my eldest (at 11 he sings a beautiful soprano) remains on track to be the next King Diamond

That and the family dinner should be enough of the "traditional" imagery and celebration for yours truly and his minions. While there is bound to be Sphere Hunt at mom and dad's (which will lead to the inevitable hip checks, high-basketing and "She found more than me so she's getting all the dollars!") the Chef's family will revert to a more heathen demonstration of Easter Pride that is worthy of Great Cthulhu...

Mutilation

It will taste and smell much better than four-day-old boiled eggs. Plus, we will ensure a large portion of our craft is pleasing to the Great Old Ones.

from cheezburger.com

Free with every kids' meal, while supplies last!

Barkeep! Prithee adimpleate me another homerkin of your finest ale!

For tonight, I toast the Great Cthulhu's lordship over the icthyarchy!  I beg your pardon?  You refuse to serve me?  Then you had best obarmate against my imminent pugnastics by which I shall immediately and impudiciously pudify thee in his great and terrible name!

No, "obarmate" does not mean to ruin the country, so you Tea-Tards keep that word off your signs.
 

Besides, most of you are obarmated enough already!

Won't you please donate just a few minutes of your time, and save the words?

(Heh, heh! I've finally figured out how to use "Randal words"...)

IA!! IA!!! Jack O'Thulhu F'taghn!

Pattern by King-Reaper at Deviantart.  My wife (who is much better manipulating printers and programs than I) got it to print out the right size so we could get it on the pumpkin.  I used an Exacto-knife and a crab-picking tool to cut out the pattern and scrape it to about 3/4" deep.  All in all about 3 hours of work but worth it.

Here's a pic of Jack O'Thulhu, Jack Skellington, and two more Jack O'Lanterns guarding our doorstep this evening.

Have a happy and Lovecraftian Halloween!

Obligatory Swine Flu Post

Groan...I almost can't stand doing this, but it's low hanging fruit and I'm out of ideas...and I feel obliged to somehow contribute to the struggle to save humanity from just another strain of the flu before we are all turned into mutants for Will Smith to kill.

I could just offer my economic advice...

or are people trying to kill us?



or am I being too glib?

Hmmmm...probably. I tend to scoff at the masses when they lose perspective...or when they appear to lose perspective...or when the media tries to push a loss of perspective. I wonder if that last bit isn't the most true. Haven't seen a lot of panic around here.

So...YOU ARE HERE:


What this means is we have

human-to-human spread of the virus into at least two countries in one WHO region. While most countries will not be affected at this stage, the declaration of Phase 5 is a strong signal that a pandemic is imminent and that the time to finalize the organization, communication, and implementation of the planned mitigation measures is short.

If you read the page you see that it doesn't matter if we go pandemic or not from here. We've already got community infections in the U.S. and Mexico - it doesn't matter where else it goes within or outside our WHO region.

So I officially don't care if we have a pandemic or not. I want to not hear people say the word "pandemic" like they have one in their neighborhood. Because what they really have is a virus.

I guess we'll see some widespread infections...infections with what?

Streiffer said it's important to keep the threat of swine flu in perspective. It's a new strain of influenza, so people haven't built up immunity and vaccines won't block it, but there is no indication that it is any more virulent or dangerous for normally healthy people than the more typcial strains of flu.

"What people don't seem to understand is it's not worse than the average flu, except there's no herd immunity -- which means there's no immunity in the general population -- therefore, everyone's at risk, but not necesarily for anything more virulent or dangerous than average influenza."

Oh...so, we could be seeing lots and lots more of what looks and acts like the flu, a virus that killed slightly fewer people last year than automobile accidents. (h/t DrMomentum for the link!) Crap. I was hoping I'd get night after night of feverish dreams of Cyclopean cities of Titan blocks and sky-flung monoliths, all dripping with green ooze and sinister with latent horror.

So maybe the H1N1 virus is just the slugger the influenza team needs to get out of the basement and into a distant third behind heart disease. Then again, maybe not...we may just see a bunch of people on Nyquil and anti-virals (buy stock NOW!!). We have a pretty damned good track record against the flu here in America.

Would it suck to see a widespread outbreak of a flu few could avoid? Absolutely. By all means, I'm taking precautions for an extended flu season, especially with my younger children, and keeping myself informed. But beyond that it's biz as usual.

Oh wait, this just in...it's not a government plot! They've found patient zero!

h/t @billmarrs

Mythos Monday - Images

...a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on hind and fore feet, and long, narrow wings behind. This thing, which seemed instinct with a fearsome and unnatural malignancy, was of a somewhat bloated corpulence, and squatted evilly on a rectangular block or pedestal covered with undecipherable characters. The tips of the wings touched the back edge of the block, the seat occupied the centre, whilst the long, curved claws of the doubled-up, crouching hind legs gripped the front edge and extended a quarter of the way clown toward the bottom of the pedestal. The cephalopod head was bent forward, so that the ends of the facial feelers brushed the backs of huge fore paws which clasped the croucher's elevated knees.

(from "The Call of Cthulhu" by H.P. Lovecraft)

It's a fairly descriptive paragraph by Lovecraft, and about 10 days ago Ectoplasmosis posted an picture that Lovecaft drew himself of Cthulhu, though it's hardly as fear-inspiring as many modern ones we see. I like that the link talks about the eyes...apparently clustered and spider-like vs. what is normally seen today, though I haven't seen any story text in "TCoC" to indicate they are spider-eyes. Spider-like eyes would add such an incredibly alien character to Cthulhu though...which is probably closer to the intent.

There is a further wealth of images of Cthulhu and mythos-related monsters and some film shorts here as well. Scroll down, lots of good pics.

There's yet another image and a lengthy explanation of Cthulhu, the mythos, and its impact on pop culture etc at How Stuff Works. Interesting picture on the first page...not much of a bloated corpulence there...I think Cthulhu had been hanging out with Brian McNamee and "Raw-jah" for a while.



Still, to each his own. This artist has the bloated corpulence down, but has undersized the wings a bit, methinks. It's still funny as Hell. I hope he produces something new soon.

Or, you could just dress your kid up and take a photo of his non-plussed ass...

Unconnected to the above, but still with roots in Lovecraft and the Mythos, briwei took the time to point me toward the web comic Shadowgirls by David Rodriguez and Dave Reynolds, about a mother-daughter team who discover they have "dark powers" as evil creatures invade their home town of Innsmouth. It's been running for a while now and there's a lot of it I haven't read, but I always dug girl fights. Magical ones are even better. Interesting the mother's name is Charon...

I Have Some Work to Do

In trying to set goals and a future vision for Cthulhu's Family Restaurant, I first decided to assess where I am at. I used a scientific set of analysis tools to obtain a snapshot of where I am.

Specifically, I used:

Typealyzer - a tool to analyze the writing on a website and return a (rough) Myers-Briggs Type Indicator of the author (h/t @drmomentum), and

Gematriculator - a tool to analyze just how evil a website is (h/t Randall).

Cthulhu would not be happy.

Apparently, Typealizer returned an MBTI of:

ESFP (Performer): The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

(Author's note - of all the MBTI's I've had done in the last 5 years, I've never been an SF - I've come out NF, strongly. This could indicate the test can't tell S from N, or it could...COULD be the result of me using NaBloPoMo to put more "thinking" into my writing, hence de-emphasizing the "N" in my personality, which is quite strong. Enough psycho-B.S. back to the issue at hand!)

And the picture accompanying the ESFP analysis is:


Holy crap! Dread Cthulhu is an apparently intoxicated bar-fly in a skirt and "CFM" boots? Like this?


Azathoth save us...this is not good.












Oh, and if that were not enough, here's the "Evil" score:


Crap. Now Azathoth definitely will not save us. 31%?!?! Well, I can actually deal with that better; Cthulhu, a cosmic force to be reckoned with, is only "evil" by humanity's standards - in reality, humanity is just a pawn (at best) in his larger scheme of cosmic warfare. We are simply here to either be enslaved of trampled altogether. Still, that evil score must be upped.

And for that, I need a domination plan. And for the domination plan, I went to Darksites.com for their Evil Plan Generator - bwahahahahaha!!! (h/t Electronic Replicant)

Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: So another race can take over

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first devour a military general. This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods, terrified by your arrival. Who is this nightmare beyond comprehension? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good wearing the skin of another human?

Stage Two

Next, you must seize control of the pacific ocean. This will all be done from a underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will gibber like madmen, as countless hordes of cultists hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must reveal to the world your armies of destruction, bringing about an end to sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with the spice girls, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your supreme might, and the world will have no choice but to make you their new god.

I think Lovecraft, were he alive today, would certainly find the Spice Girls synonymous with the insanity and destruction that Cthulhu could bring.

So there I have it - properly executed, this should change that uncomfortably elvish, mildly evil internet booty-call into a full blown, mountainous and horrific visage of insanity and destruction, ready to unleash an evil upon humanity not seen since the Posh Bob.

Holiday Platters Now Available!

That's right, Thanksgiving is right around the corner, and Christmas and New Year's after that! And what holiday party would be complete without a Holiday Platter from Cthulhu's Family Restaurant?

My first Photoshop project...I was looking at a Play-Doh cutter that my kids had - a pineapple shaped one, and thought it would look a bit like Cthulhu if it were inverted. So I went with it and made a "Cthulhu head". Then I put it on a cracker with some cheese and voila - a Lovecraftian Hors D'ouvre! Photo courtesy of my wife.

Enjoy!

Hey! Nobody Told Me About This!

Dammit! Regent Releasing should have called me about this months ago!

It looks like a modern adaptation of The Shadow Over Innsmouth and the wiki confirms. The basis is fairly loose and it has Tori Spelling in it, but what it does have going for it is an endorsement by T. S. Joshi, one of the foremost experts and biographer of Lovecraft. Just on that I can assume it's good, but the preview looks damn good, too. Read the reviews page, and it makes it look even better.

The thing that really pisses me off is that the last show in my area (Gloucester) is a date I have already set aside. All I can do is hope for a DVD or a wider release (doubtful).

Think I'm gonna' email and beg for more dates. Really, I can deal with Tori Spelling, especially if she gets eviscerated by Deep Ones.

Srsly. WHO THE F**K DROPPED THE BALL ON THIS ONE?!?!?!

Keeping Holy the Lord(Cthulhu)'s Day

Okay, so some time ago I posted about a band called The Darkest of the Hillside Thickets and linked to their song "Yig Snake Daddy". I've since bought their album "Cthulhu Strikes Back", the cover of which is a cool take-off on "Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back" and is full of great, sci-fi/horror/Lovecraft-based surf punk. One of my favorite pieces is an 11-minute audio feast called "Cthulhu Dreams". It's worth a listen, and headphones make it better. Particularly cool listening on a lonely, late night train from London to Portsmouth.

Anyway, this morning as I'm making breakfast for the kids, I have this song playing. My oldest, who has a vague idea of what Cthulhu looks like (enough to draw sketches and make lego figures) asks if he's some sort of "sea monster". Instead of saying yes, I tried to explain that Cthulhu and his merry band of beings are instead a sort of metaphor to demonstrate mankind's utter insignificance in the cosmos at large.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so) he got it, and the conversation carried on to using "scary stories" to teach morals, like "That monkey paw story you told me, or Frankenstein". It was pretty cool.

He told me he sort of likes scary stories, and maybe he'd want to read some of my H. P. Lovecraft books that he's seen down in the basement. I told him since he chose to read The Hobbit for his last independent reading assignment in school, I think he could take a crack at Lovecraft. He seemed excited.

Always happy to convert a new minion. In this case, it took a sort of catechism (or, Cthulhuchism) to make it happen. I always knew Sunday School had a place in the lives of children.

It's been a while...

Since I first put it together, I've really had no idea what direction (if any) I wanted this silly piece of self-entertainment to go in. I do know I never wanted to wait so long between posts, but oh well.

I suppose I've been hanging around, waiting for some inspiration. Inspiration to write, inspiration to use this cool, "Bamboo Fun" drawing pad thingy. So when I finally got "pumped" to use it, I figured I'd draw a picture of our founder, "getting pumped" for the big day.



Why he's wearing jorts I'll never know. But it sorta' fits. I think He'll keep wearing them.

While we're on the subject of food...

While we don't do a lot of burfays (unless we're on long roadtrip vacations!), we are definitely a calamari family. If we're at any halfway decent restaurant and calamari is on the menu, we stand a very good chance of ordering some. It's great to see how different places treat the dish, whether it's how they top or garnish the dish, or the variety in dipping sauce they provide.

Which is why Sarah and I were pleasantly surprised last weekend with (almost) the most basic calamari you could eat; fried, battered squid, banana and cherry peppers, and marinara sauce. It was cooked perfectly - the batter hadn't soaked up all the oil, the squid was hot, firm, but not tough, and the peppers had just enough zip.

Oh...and we had a "Virgin Mary in the Grill Cheese" moment, too...


But we were still hungry, so any thoughts of topping $28K on ebay were, ummm, swallowed.

We had it at the Bayside Restaurant in Westport. Check Trip Advisor for reviews. We stopped in when we were heading out to find the beachside house we are renting the first week of August. As luck would have it, they're about a 30-second walk from each other. So needless to say, we'll be enjoying more of the calamari (and other food on the menu - it is excellent!) then.

Random Musings...Mark is Everywhere

I'm finishing up my workout this afternoon with 20 minutes on a stationary bike. The last random song from my workout mix is That's Good by Devo. Mark Mothersbaugh has always been the iconic face of this group for me.


I don't know what I like more about that video...the french fry nailing the donut or the sillouhetted image of the band at the end.

In the last year, my daughters have come to love the TV Show Yo Gabba Gabba!. Mark routinely appears on the show doing a "how to" drawing segment.

He looks like he did in 82. Just older and fatter with more facial hair. Come to think of it, so do I.

In 2006, I spent six months in Bahrain working on the FIFTH Fleet Staff. Towards the end of my tenure, a Reserve Lieutenant Commander reported to the staff. Mark Mothersbaugh is his cousin.

In 2001-2002, while my family and I were living in Bahrain, my oldest was really into the Rug Rats. Hell, we all were. Who did the music? You guessed it...Mark did it.

My son loved the movie Rugrats in Paris. In the opening scene the kids are "acting out" a scene from the movie The Godfather, but calling it "The Bobfather". Some thought this was a reference to J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, founder of The Church of the Sub-Genius. I had several friends in college who really went overboard with that stuff. It was entertaining at first, but then it got annoying.

Oh...and Mark Mothersbaugh is a Sub-Genius which, while it may associate him with my friends' annoying obsessions around 1988-89, it means he celebrates "The Feast of St Cthulhu" which, according to the Sub-Genius Calendar, is November 10th. So I guess that's okay. Maybe we'll have a feast here at the restaurant on November 10th.

Speaking of 1989, I still have We're All Devo! on VHS that I bought in '89. My roommates and I used to watch it a lot. I bet it's just as cool now as it was then. I should fire it up and see.

I've spent about my entire adult life (not to mention adolescent life!) dealing with this guy in one way or another.

This Week's Breakfast Special

THE R'LYEH: two farm-fresh eggs and four strips of bacon, stacked on a tentacled pancake. So good, it's insane!.......................$3.95



I tried other arrangements like the following, but I think the "many-tentacled" effect was best.

Cthulhu's Tentacles

He has many of them, and they reach far. Here are just a few. Maybe one of them will grab you...

1. Dread Cthulhu devours intruders to the kitchen. Cthulhu Apron at Cafe Press. The only one used at this restaraunt!

2. Fuzzy-wuzzy cushie Dread Crocheted Cthulhu at Instructables.

3. I CAN HAZ CREEPY. Cthulhu Kitty Animation found at deviantART.

4. Brake for nobody, or this could be you! Cthulhu road sign by myconfinedspace.

5. Happy Wednesday - "Eclectic, humorous nerd-rock and electronic madness". Watch them perform "His Tentacled Glory" at No Brand Con 2008. Only thing I could catch was something about not getting eaten last. Destined for obscurity, like this place, and rightfully so. Hey, that's fine...I'm sure that were I 20 years younger I'd have thought they were awesome like the kids in the video. I'm so glad musical tastes mature.

Cthulhu Unplugged

For your listening and viewing pleasure...



Download mp3 file here.

Lyrics by Terrence Chua, video by Scary for Kids.

GGMGD: Games, Food, Mai Tais and More

I think the last game day I attended was winter 06/07 when Briwei was back in town from San Diego. Being that I'm never in one place more than a year or so, I hardly get to any of these myself, let alone host one. And what a great day it was!

The games we play are always enjoyable and well-played, but it's really the company and the food that's most enjoyable whenever we do this. It was great to spend the day with friends, old and new, two of whom I don't think I've seen in five years. We completely agreed that we were short exactly one (1) Briwei, though, and schemed on ways to get him back here. But I wouldn't leave San Diego either. I love that place. More than once we asked ourselves "What would Briwei do?" when faced with a serious choice. He's like...the Clausewitz or Sun-Tzu of game day, y'know?

All the important food groups (salt, sugar, fat, booze) were represented as well. James and Julie carpooled up, and brought with them an excellent array of liquid refreshment. James had it going on with a killer Mai Tai concoction that went down waaaaay too easily. Mai Tais rock; and as they are(arguably) from the South Pacific, where a certain city and big, tentacle-headed dude wait under the sea somewhere, I believe they are worth of the Great Old Ones, and do hearby declare James' Mai Tais to also be known as "Great Cthulhu's Nectar". But James said something I'd never heard him say before. Something about "putting too much rum" in a drink or similar blasphemy. He'd better watch what he says.

They also brought a fine array of beers, including one of my all-time favorites, "Arrogant Bastard Ale" by Stone Brewing Company. I wasn't feeling too hoppy yesterday though, so I kept it on the malt-side beer-wise. I did, however, accept and consume the remainder of Julie's "Dog Fish Head Black & Blue" at the end of the day. Great stuff - thanks, Julie!

Bob brought a lasagna that was so freakin' good you couldn't tell it was gluten-free, so I won't even mention that it was gluten-free, except for these two times I just said gluten-free, er...three. I'm done saying it, I promise. ("There is little or no offending material apart from four ****s, one clitoris, and a foreskin. And as they only occur in this opening introduction, you're past them now.") I mean, my kids ate it! I'm not sure Bob understands what a feat it is getting them to eat anything besides Mac & Cheese and Hot Dogs. I made ribs: slow-cooked, dry-rubbed and smoked, BBQ-grilled, but the dry-rubbed ones were unsuccessful...oh well, two out of three. Mrs. Stickthulhu's lemon meringue pie, her first attempt, came out of the oven in tough shape. The custard was entirely too liquid, like some piping hot, lemony shoggoth with a sweet, spongy topping...so she buried the dead pie. Deep, deep in the cold depths of the fridge where, after what seemed like strange aeons (but was actually only about 8 hours) the pie arose from it's dreamy death to be devoured by hungry gamers.

It was great seeing everyone, and I can't wait to do it again...quick, Bob and Patti, schedule another one!

Cthulhu Silliness

Long day...very tired...so instead of being creative I'll be lazy...again.

Cthulhu Ftaghn Cheezburger

Promise I'll do better next time.

C'thlego Ftaghn

Courtesy of my oldest son. Photos by Mrs. Stickthulhu.

A Grand Opening 24 Years in the Making!

Welcome to Cthulhu's Family Restaurant! A Blog about...uhhh...fuggit just read!

ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

Well, not quite. You see, after dreaming for many strange aeons, the Great Old One realized he was in a bit of a rut. Since dreams require action to come true, "The Big C" has decided to bail on R'lyeh and pursue his true dream, good food and family fun at affordable prices! (Just watch the shoggoth omelettes; they're a bit of a challenge.)

And yeah, it took 24 years for the doors to open. Why such a long time? Well, for that you need to go back to a 1984 junior year U.S. History class at BMC Durfee High School in Fall River, MA. Two students are bored and distracted out of their minds. This pisses the rest of the students in the class off because they still whip up on everyone else at "history jeopardy", crush puny-minded mortals in political debate, and ace tests with ease. One day, in a fit of boredom, one hands the other a piece of paper with "Cthulhu's Family Restaurant" written on it, and the beginning items of a menu:

"Pocket Sandwich...a real deep one!"
"Lady Fingers...fresh, New England cut!"

and silliness ensues. Dot-matrix signs made with Print Shop (remember it was '84), improved menus, you get the idea. One of those students was my buddy Briwei. You can check out his blog, "It's a Briwise World", from this page. The other was yours truly. I think we were heavily involved in a Cthulhu-based AD&D campaign, or maybe Call of Cthulhu, or maybe we just hadn't got laid yet. Okay, the third was beyond a maybe. So here it is, 24 years later, and I've entered the Blogosphere (technically my second blog - I started posting on Regime Turnover, along with several other friends, last month) and I've got Briwei to thank for the blog name...and for being a great friend all these years. Thanks Briwei. I'll try and bring life to some of those menu items we came up with!

But if you come here expecting perpetual Cyclopean Silliness and warmed over Cthulhu jokes, you'll only be partially satisfied. I'm also doing this for the same reason many others do - to think, share and express. Particularly think. I believe I (and much of America) has lost a step or two when it comes to thinking...especially critical thinking.

And there's plenty to think about, express and share. I look forward to doing just that!

Cthulhu Ftaghn,

Bull, a.k.a. "Stick"