I Have Some Work to Do

In trying to set goals and a future vision for Cthulhu's Family Restaurant, I first decided to assess where I am at. I used a scientific set of analysis tools to obtain a snapshot of where I am.

Specifically, I used:

Typealyzer - a tool to analyze the writing on a website and return a (rough) Myers-Briggs Type Indicator of the author (h/t @drmomentum), and

Gematriculator - a tool to analyze just how evil a website is (h/t Randall).

Cthulhu would not be happy.

Apparently, Typealizer returned an MBTI of:

ESFP (Performer): The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

(Author's note - of all the MBTI's I've had done in the last 5 years, I've never been an SF - I've come out NF, strongly. This could indicate the test can't tell S from N, or it could...COULD be the result of me using NaBloPoMo to put more "thinking" into my writing, hence de-emphasizing the "N" in my personality, which is quite strong. Enough psycho-B.S. back to the issue at hand!)

And the picture accompanying the ESFP analysis is:


Holy crap! Dread Cthulhu is an apparently intoxicated bar-fly in a skirt and "CFM" boots? Like this?


Azathoth save us...this is not good.












Oh, and if that were not enough, here's the "Evil" score:


Crap. Now Azathoth definitely will not save us. 31%?!?! Well, I can actually deal with that better; Cthulhu, a cosmic force to be reckoned with, is only "evil" by humanity's standards - in reality, humanity is just a pawn (at best) in his larger scheme of cosmic warfare. We are simply here to either be enslaved of trampled altogether. Still, that evil score must be upped.

And for that, I need a domination plan. And for the domination plan, I went to Darksites.com for their Evil Plan Generator - bwahahahahaha!!! (h/t Electronic Replicant)

Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan (tm)!

Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.

Your motive is a little bit more complex: So another race can take over

Stage One

To begin your plan, you must first devour a military general. This will cause the world to slaughter a sacred calf to appease the gods, terrified by your arrival. Who is this nightmare beyond comprehension? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good wearing the skin of another human?

Stage Two

Next, you must seize control of the pacific ocean. This will all be done from a underground secret headquarters of doom, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will gibber like madmen, as countless hordes of cultists hasten to do your every bidding.

Stage Three

Finally, you must reveal to the world your armies of destruction, bringing about an end to sanity. Your name shall become synonymous with the spice girls, and no man will ever again dare interrupt your sentences. Everyone will bow before your supreme might, and the world will have no choice but to make you their new god.

I think Lovecraft, were he alive today, would certainly find the Spice Girls synonymous with the insanity and destruction that Cthulhu could bring.

So there I have it - properly executed, this should change that uncomfortably elvish, mildly evil internet booty-call into a full blown, mountainous and horrific visage of insanity and destruction, ready to unleash an evil upon humanity not seen since the Posh Bob.