Another Movie I Need to Review...

Oh...

OOOOOOooooohhhhhh...

OOOOOOOooooohohohohohhooooOOOOOoooooohhhh...

BEHOLD!!!!


Behold that which is too good for theaters and was released into DVD just today!

And who might that big-nosed beauty starring alongside Lorenzo Lamas be? None other than...

Debbie Gibson - Only In My Dreams
Uploaded by jpdc11 - Explore more music videos.

Anyone guess what she has to do with these guys?


Click here to find out. (Oh...and FUCK YOU to MTV who won't let you embed the video. 15 years ago you didn't suck but about 12 years ago you turned into a piece of broadcasting shit.)

Uh...where was I? Oh yeah!!! Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!!!

I've already reserved my copy...stay tuned for the review.

Mythos Monday - Cthulhu the Movie (2007) Review

Here is the plot summary. It's pretty basic. After the final sentence you can add "shit goes steadily downhill for Russ from there".

1. Based upon the above, would you say that Cthulhu - Welcome Home to the End of the World is a ____________ movie.

A. Lovecraftian
B. Scary
C. Gay
D. Worthwhile

The answer is actually E. All of the above, as you probably guessed I would write. I will caveat that "All of the above" with "to varying degrees"...

How Lovecraftian? On a scale of 1 to 10, I give it the letter "Q". Because to me it really makes no sense to try and quantify just how much it is, because it is and is not at the same time. The trailer states that it is based upon the "Classic Tale" by H. P. Lovecraft although it really draws on two. The first and most obvious is The Shadow Over Innsmouth - from which the Marsh name, Esoteric Order of Dagon, some characters and the concept of going to "live in the sea" as servants of Cthulhu are drawn/adapted. The second is The Festival - from which the seasonal festival (Yuletide in the original story, "The May Festival" in the movie) and the main character's resistance to having a family legacy forced upon him as he uncovers its horrors. While things aren't revealed to the protagonist exactly the same way as in TSOI, it works in the context of the movie. The film takes many of the issues society deals with today - environment, climate change, resource overuse and infrastructure decay - and uses them as a backdrop of activity that alludes to the coming the Great Old Ones. While the film does not go deep into it or smoothly integrate it into the plot, it's not altogether a failure. I will say that you don't go through the whole movie feeling like your watching an H. P. Lovecraft story brought to life, it does have its moments.

How scary? A little. Not hugely. The movie does a decent job of moving the mystery along and revealing parts as Russ discovers them, but doesn't really reach any crescendo of horror that makes you jump out of your seat or anything. The ending is somewhere between okay and pretty good.

How Gay? There is a strong gay agenda viewed through an H. P. Lovecraft-inspired lens. How religions alternate between ostracizing and trying to "cure" homosexuals, homosexuality as not being in line with patriotism or community/family values, and outright homophobia. There are plenty more. Face it. Innsmouth, being isolated, under the thumb of a cult (religion), with a small homogeneous population that is wary of strangers or anything "different" is a fertile backdrop against which to express these issues. This should not be a surprise as the movie is a here! TV production. (It DID surprise me a little bit - simply because my brain didn't make the connection between the logo on the DVD case and the channel.)

How Worthwhile? It's worth watching. There are some parts that didn't work well for me - in particular Tori Spelling's part; I think the movie could have been just as good without her or her part in it. But then again I'll say that for most movie or TV productions that include her. It doesn't always flow smoothly, horror isn't really at the forefront, but...it works. While it's not even close to "in step" with the original stories, I think the attempt to draw on these stories written three quarters of a century ago to frame a social issue of today is admirable. The movie is definitely worth seeing.

A Chip Off the Old Crawling Chaos

I got nuthin'...I mean I got more nuthin' than mortgage-backed securities. But still, press ahead I must. Think, write, try to put something down, even though I don't have to, to keep the blog-fires burning.

So when all else fails, tell a story about your kids that only you would be interested in. Yeah! That's it! Tell some mundane story about something cute or cool or silly...

...or insidious...or evil...or chaotic...

So while frantically running through the house this morning trying to transition from the Mother's Day breakfast and presents in bed for the wife to getting ready to jump in the car and head south for an hour to meet everyone for brunch and talk about the same old shit I notice something is different. I can't say wrong, but different. It's coming from downstairs where we have our kids corralled by plastic gates and waiting for the inevitable departure among their toys and a Comcast channel blaring kids music.

It's a weird noise. Muffled, crunching, pounding...strangely musical. The running around, jumping and general destruction of the living room has stopped. Wondering what is going on, I cautiously approach the stairs. A voice...strangely monotone, as though reading from some ancient tome, comes drifting up the stairs in snippets. I grow afraid, wondering what sinister fate has befallen my spawn, or - worse yet - what sinister deeds they may be performing on some poor passer-by, who was just coming through this historic landmark for a Sunday morning walk. The swift, grinding, screaming sounds swell and invade my brain, almost inducing panic as I reach the bottom of the stairs, turn around, and behold the genesis of what I was certain was fueling a ritual I did not want to witness...


The oldest...who answers to a range of nicknames, is sitting between his sisters, The Songbird and Rocker-Girl, reading to them the sacred text of Archie and Jughead while the youngest, whom I have previously referred to as Chub-Niggurath, bounces and practices his newly-found jumping skills to the newly-found metal.

My firstborn looks up at my puzzled face, "What? It's metal. You know."

I smile. He has come a long way...his education is almost complete, and he has earned himself a new name, one that commands fear and respect for the path of insanity that he is ushering his younger siblings down. I will now call him Nyarlathotep.

Free Comic Book Day Report

No, no, no, no, no....this report isn't what's free, even though it is...just like everything else on this blog because if even if I charged half a dingleberry for this information I'd be ripping you off bigger than Bernie Madoff. It's the COMIC BOOKS that were free!

Between Little League for the boy, swimming for the girls, housework, taking the kids to dinner cuz we were too lazy to cook and purchasing tickets for last Sunday's NHL East Semi-Finals game (fucking Bruins...the ONE game I go to in years and they lose!) I didn't think I'd be able to get my son and me to the comic store to take advantage. But I did...and we walked away with some cool stuff...


The comics across the top are the free ones, chosen by my son. The ones across the bottom (and the Munchkin Cthulhu expansion pack) were most decidedly not free.

They were not all, in my opinion, good buys. I do not care for the Lenore comic; I read the back cover, flipped through a few pages to check out the art work, and it looked "cute" and novel enough, so I got it - actually for my wife of all people who said to get her something if the mood so struck me (The Tank Girl comic was also purchased with that in mind...her being the tough, independent Aussie Sheila and all).

The primary focus of the graphic novel is dark humor, with many of the stories having amusing twist endings.

Errrr...amusing is not what came to mind when we read the first episode. In it she babysits and takes the baby out to feed the birds. After she unwittingly leaves the seeds in the baby carriage, birds descend upon the baby and peck it to death. I haven't read anymore. I plan on seeing if they'll take it as a return (a gift for someone who didn't like it) and trade in.

The high point is definitely the Spider Man book the store manager gave my son. He'd got a stack of them to give away as promotions and had been "consistently forgetting to do so" as he said. So now my son has the "Ten Greatest Spider Man Stories Ever, Vol. 1". As I have mentioned before I was not a big follower of the Marvel Universe so I couldn't tell you if they are, but my son is happy, and loves reading the villain stats.


The Fall of Cthulhu and Cthulhu Tales graphic novels will probably wait longer than I want them to before I read them. But hey, I'm a busy guy for the next few months...

This Swine Flew ... Into My Mouth and Down to My Belly!

Finally, we had the year's first grilling of an object larger than a London Broil. We've had a nice looking pork loin in the freezer for some time, and it just felt like the time to cook some pork again. The last time I blogged about pork loin I smoked it and attempted to shred it only to give up after maybe doing half of it...I was working too hard for my vittles. I decided to roast it instead, but on the grill.

I searched until I found a recipe that looked good (and was reviewed as such) and settled on it. I made some adjustments for preference and ingredient availability, so here is the complete ingredient list:

1 (4 pound) boneless pork top loin roast (single loin)
1 teaspoon olive oil

2 teaspoons brown sugar
2 teaspoons paprika
1 1/2 teaspoons garlic salt
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/2 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander

I did not have any onion salt, so I substituted onion powder and seasoned salt. I also prefer brown sugar to regular sugar, for a more caramel-like, barbecued flavor. After brushing the loin with olive oil and applying the rub I wrapped it and let it marinate in the fridge for about 90 minutes before grilling.

Instructions seemed simple enough. The grill is simple enough. Count on me to complicate shit. Temp was around 400°F when I put the loin on, with the fattier of the two sides on the grill itself. I resolved to check it every couple of minutes and at the first check I noticed the temp had gone up so I adjusted the flame down up because I wasn't freaking paying attention. A minute later the temp is still rising, so I turn it down up again, but realize I'm doing it this time and correct way down. I check again two minutes later and the temp is runaway, above 500°F but all I needed to see was the smoke pouring out of the grill to know there was a fire inside. After pulling it off the grill, knocking the charred bits off and flipping it (I figured that side had had enough!) the rest of the grilling went smoothly, as did the follow-on roasting. The only minor issue was that my grill wasn't able to hold 400°F (only about 380) with only two burners running.


We roasted up some peppers and onions to enjoy with it, and cooked some corn on the cob.


The meat was excellent! No sauce needed; marinating with the rub provided all the flavor it needed, just enough balance of sweet and spicy.

...and plenty left over for sam'iches!

Obligatory Swine Flu Post

Groan...I almost can't stand doing this, but it's low hanging fruit and I'm out of ideas...and I feel obliged to somehow contribute to the struggle to save humanity from just another strain of the flu before we are all turned into mutants for Will Smith to kill.

I could just offer my economic advice...

or are people trying to kill us?



or am I being too glib?

Hmmmm...probably. I tend to scoff at the masses when they lose perspective...or when they appear to lose perspective...or when the media tries to push a loss of perspective. I wonder if that last bit isn't the most true. Haven't seen a lot of panic around here.

So...YOU ARE HERE:


What this means is we have

human-to-human spread of the virus into at least two countries in one WHO region. While most countries will not be affected at this stage, the declaration of Phase 5 is a strong signal that a pandemic is imminent and that the time to finalize the organization, communication, and implementation of the planned mitigation measures is short.

If you read the page you see that it doesn't matter if we go pandemic or not from here. We've already got community infections in the U.S. and Mexico - it doesn't matter where else it goes within or outside our WHO region.

So I officially don't care if we have a pandemic or not. I want to not hear people say the word "pandemic" like they have one in their neighborhood. Because what they really have is a virus.

I guess we'll see some widespread infections...infections with what?

Streiffer said it's important to keep the threat of swine flu in perspective. It's a new strain of influenza, so people haven't built up immunity and vaccines won't block it, but there is no indication that it is any more virulent or dangerous for normally healthy people than the more typcial strains of flu.

"What people don't seem to understand is it's not worse than the average flu, except there's no herd immunity -- which means there's no immunity in the general population -- therefore, everyone's at risk, but not necesarily for anything more virulent or dangerous than average influenza."

Oh...so, we could be seeing lots and lots more of what looks and acts like the flu, a virus that killed slightly fewer people last year than automobile accidents. (h/t DrMomentum for the link!) Crap. I was hoping I'd get night after night of feverish dreams of Cyclopean cities of Titan blocks and sky-flung monoliths, all dripping with green ooze and sinister with latent horror.

So maybe the H1N1 virus is just the slugger the influenza team needs to get out of the basement and into a distant third behind heart disease. Then again, maybe not...we may just see a bunch of people on Nyquil and anti-virals (buy stock NOW!!). We have a pretty damned good track record against the flu here in America.

Would it suck to see a widespread outbreak of a flu few could avoid? Absolutely. By all means, I'm taking precautions for an extended flu season, especially with my younger children, and keeping myself informed. But beyond that it's biz as usual.

Oh wait, this just in...it's not a government plot! They've found patient zero!

h/t @billmarrs

I've Tweeted My Meat...

I've seen (that is, been followed by) people who are tweeting serial stories...I usually block them as soon as I read their twitter homepages because the stories are boring as shit and they seem to picture themselves as far more artistic than they actually are.

This one, however is a bit different:

“Where is it?” She grasps, fingers scraping. She yanks. It peels. A gallbladder. “Damn.” She reaches back in. _"Will you quit wiggling?"_

It's a sample tweet from one of the editors at Tweet the Meat, a Twitter-based horror e-zine that seeks to publish complete, 140-character-or-fewer horror snippets from its readers. And they even pay a buck per submission via PayPal.

Anyway, the concept sounded interesting enough so I submitted a tweet on Sunday, and it got accepted. As they have first digital rights to it, I can't reproduce it here for you, but I'll let you know when it's up. I don't want to sound like it was a monumentally difficult thing, but I did think about it for at least a couple of days. Trying to complete an action and create enough of an atmosphere to capture the imagination of a reader in 140 characters, while being grammatically correct, was an interesting task. Definitely fun.

I have a PayPal account, but I don't need the dollar. In this case, they will make a donation via PayPal to the charity of your choice in your name. I think that is an excellent idea. I believe I will choose Project Valour-IT, who help "provide voice-controlled/adaptive laptop computers and other technology to support Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines recovering from hand wounds and other severe injuries." They can use the dollar way more than I can, and maybe I'll try and do a submission a week to get them more money...

It'll be interesting when they start posting reader-submitted stuff, to see the quality that made the cut. It's definitely more interesting than some wannabe wovelist trying to feed you mediocrity 140 characters at a time.

On other publishing news, my "Monster Byte" was accepted by the Innsmouth Free Press, though it has not been published yet. I hope to see it soon, but I also had planned to make a couple more related ones to round the story out...I should get cracking. I had also wanted to write a piece of short fiction for them; something of a Cthulhu meets Patrick O'Brian in the Oregon territory circa 1820. I should get cracking on that, too. I was also going to set up an invitation only blog to display works in progress for comment. I should get cracking on that, too.